In some ways, this month has been the hardest I’ve ever endured. Mostly for reasons I can’t talk about in public (there was some wonkiness at work that the layoffs were only the start of). I wish I could feel that I’m going to come out of it with my sanity. But all I know is, that I’m going to come out of it, somehow.
But I’m not angry, anymore. Not really. Sure, I can’t stand it when religious dickheads start with their self-righteousness – I don’t think that will ever change. But I’m not really angry. Stuff happened. My past happened. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t change it, and there’s really nothing to be gained by being angry at this point.
No, now I’m just sad. A deep, profound, and almost debilitating sadness.
I suppose this marks progress. I am well aware of what the five stages of grief are, and Despair is the fourth, just before acceptance. I know that, intellectually. But… it doesn’t change reality. I’m sad.
I’m sad for what was. And I’m sad for what could have been. There are so many inflection points, so many things I look back on and think if I could have changed any one of them, how different my life would be right now. But I look back, and even knowing that, I know that things played out in the only way that they could. The way was destined before I was born – by the time I was born, the stage had been set and the band was playing its opening chords.
But what makes me the saddest is… I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, in another time, in another reality – if nearly everyone in my life hadn’t screwed me over…
I could have been happy.
That, I think, is what hurts most of all.
I could have been happy.
Friday, 28. November 2008
Bear in mind that daylight savings time adjustments can also wreak havoc with your serotonin levels, which can bring on mild depression, or exacerbate moderate depression.
Winter weather, with little to no sunshine, can do the same. It sounds like you are taking the long view on things, though (despair before acceptance, etc.) which is a start. I think, anyway.
FWIW I read this post after I posted a fluffy topic about the movies. I’m sorry you’re sad, that sucks. From how you describe it, however, there are darker places you could be in right now, and you are very lucky (or maybe determined) that you are not.
I know you know the sadness will pass, eventually. Here’s hoping it will be soon.
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Friday, 28. November 2008
This is southern california. Winter weather is a bit of rain and 60 degrees.
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Saturday, 29. November 2008
And rain means less sunshine, correct?
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