Things in my life that I am grateful for:
1. I have a well-paying job that I like that does not appear to be endangered (at this moment) by the fluctuating economy.
2. I own my own home, which is in a small community, where I am surrounded by family and friends.
3. My family loves me. Unconditionally. There are no “if onlys”, no rules or regulations or unrealistic expectations required for them to love me, nor do they place undue demands upon me to meet any such expectations.
4. I love my family deeply in return, in the same way.
5. All of my physical needs and requirements are met, even far exceeded, by my current level of income and chosen lifestyle. I have access to a vast wealth of resources that keeps me emotionally and physically grounded.
6. My intellectual and spiritual needs (which I believe are one and the same) are constantly being challenged, expanded, and I am free to explore them as I will, with absolutely and completely unfettered abandon.
7. I am not angry, nor am I bitter, about my past in the church. I never was either of those things, actually. The way things ended, just left me very, very confused.
I’m not confused anymore. And, looking back over the many and varied years of my life, I’ve got to say, it wasn’t all that bad. Sure, my life would have been different, if my family had not been involved in a toxic religion. But they were, and I was a true believer moreso than they even were, but there’s nothing I can do about that now. No amount of wailing and gnashing of teeth is going to change the past.
And really, why would I want to change the past? For better or worse, my past has made me everything that I am, or strive to be: Compassionate towards others, passionate about seeking justice for those who have been and are still being wronged, easily adaptable to change, ambitious, strong, and resilient, with a high level of perseverance, even in the face of adversities that would reduce others to quivering heaps of Jell-O.
I might have had those character traits regardless of whether or not I was born and raised in the church (the old nature versus nurture debate), but they might not have been expressed quite as strongly as they have been, if I had not lived exactly the life I have lived, up to this very moment.
And you know what? I AM free. I may not have had any lightning bolt epiphanies, I may not have created a personal god for myself, I may not have had that thunderstruck “moment of joy” others speak of — but I HAVE changed, in the twelve-plus years since I’ve exited the church. Not all at once, not in one fell swoop, but in tiny measures. A step at a time.
I am trying, and succeeding slowly, to not have unreasonable expectations. Things no longer have to be perfect, before they are just “OK”. And even if things are not OK, then it’s time to hunker down and practice those survival skills I’ve honed so well.
I have lived more places, in this country, than the average citizen may ever get to see, in a single lifetime. All of these places and people and events, even though I was “in the world but not of the world”, have shaped me into who I am today.
I don’t need any delirious, unreasonable, hysterical “joy”. Those kinds of highs are almost always accompanied by crashes. Sitting, and breathing, and getting through each day. Each morning brings another day, sometimes better, sometimes worse. This, alone, is consistent, for whatever fleeting amount of time I have left in this all-too-short average human lifespan.
I no longer feel pressured, nor tormented, nor do I feel any kind of “tug”, yea or nay, from Pascal’s Wager. I am by no means in some nirvana, blissed-out stoner state. But I have reached an equanimity with it all. ALL of it. It could be maturity, it could just be dog-tired, bone-deep weariness, but the pendulum has stopped swinging now. Things are not ALL good or ALL bad, with no resting state in between.
The world is hardly under any kind of devil’s dominion. Everything is a riot of colour, and sometimes, during the quiet and uneventful moments, things drift into a calming shade of grey. Fortunately never for too long. Everything in moderation, too much of anything can be toxic, etcetera, etcetera.
I have achieved, and am continuing to pursue, many of my major goals in life. I have done this, despite circumstances being aligned in such a way that I would have had perfect justification, in simply giving up.
I’m tenacious like that, for better or for worse. A stubborn streak left-over from the days when I clung to my toxic theology? Perhaps. I have dispensed with the theology, and can sometimes still be bull-headed (especially when I’m wrong), but for the most part, it has otherwise served me well, and I hope it will continue to do so.
I am constantly moving forward, even when it seems (to myself or others) that I am standing still.
“The teacher said to them, ‘When they ask you, what is the evidence of the Pleroma in you?’ Say to them, ‘It is motion and rest.’”
Motion and rest. Each has their uses. Each would be nothing without the other.
Am I deliriously happy, suffused with joy, over the moon with hysterical delight? No. But I’m not that type of person, anyway (and that really IS nature, not nurture).
Am I grateful for all the things I have done and seen and experienced, and all the places I have been in my life, good bad, or indifferent? Yeah, actually, I am.
What I have outlined above may not meet anyone else’s criteria for happiness. It doesn’t matter. After all, it is my happiness, not someone else’s, nor should I let it be defined or pre-judged, by other people with different perspectives and experiences.
Happiness is as happiness does. I think it’s time I got out a little more, and started practicing more of that motion, as opposed to rest.
Wednesday, 29. July 2009
Great post Aggie, and I was very pleased to read it, particularly the things you list as being grateful for.
The reason I say that is because sometimes I have had the impression in some of your posts that things were not that great in your life. I am genuinely glad that I was mistaken in that.
I can identify with your post, because in many ways your outlook seems to reflect the way I feel about things. Much of what you wrote, except for just a few details, I could have written myself.
I actually find that to be rather interesting, because I realise that while originating from a common ‘heritage’, since then our paths in the way we look at life have gone in radically different directions, yet we would appear to have a similar ‘handle’ on life.
I do know I have quite a different outlook on life now compared with some twenty years ago (I know you feel UCG is identical to WCG of many years back – I disagree, but be that as it may). I know my personal outlook on life is very different from twenty years ago.
Maybe it is just getting older I don’t know. But the person I am now is made up from the experiences of the past, both good and bad, and for this reason there are few things I would want to change.
I think there is probably a lesson there somewhere, but I have no idea what it is!
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Wednesday, 29. July 2009
Happy!? I was ecstatic when I got away from belief in a sky creature who loves us so much that he wants to kill us at every opportunity.
I did get out a little more, no, a lot more. America is not a bad place at all when you avoid the fundie infested areas. I’m supposing that it is the same in Canada.
If someone you meet is a fundie, don’t waste your time, call me bitter if you want, because they’re not worth the time of day.
I know some fundie people and some of my kinfolk are fundies – pffft, I don’t waste my energy on any of that kind.
I suppose that I’m the typical old man that has become so crotchety that I can’t tolerate willful ignorance. In this day and time there is no excuse for it, especially with the Internet being at our fingertips.
I’m about ready to retire from the blog world and concentrate on playing Internet flash games and other stuff that requires no involvement. Hey, they’re fun and no one argues with you.
Yes, it’s time for me to lay the bible down and quit all the foolishness that goes with it. I’m retired and in not so good health and I’m wasting my time with it. It doesn’t do me any good and I’m tired of trying to help others out of their delusions. Let ‘em find their own way is how I’m looking at it.
Oh, I might still comment on blogs and forums but not engage in any more arguments opposed to reason. They didn’t reason their way into their situation and I can’t reason them out of it.
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Thursday, 30. July 2009
Excellent post! You alone are the best judge of how well you are moving forward and how important such movement is.
Have a super day!
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Friday, 31. July 2009
“(I know you feel UCG is identical to WCG of many years back – I disagree, but be that as it may)”…
I came across material published by a UCG minister recently quite unexpectedly. I was surprised in that it sounded a lot like HWA used to. Doomsday stuff heralding the end of the world based on the current economic problems in the U.S.
I’m not saying UCG is identical, but the parallels are strong enough to be a concern.
If you compiled a list of WCG’s core beliefs and placed them along side UCG’s core beliefs, and got an independent outsider (not me obviously
) to review them, I suspect you’d get a shock at how identical an outsider would see them.
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Questeruk Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 4:23 am
Hi Tony.
Many of the old ‘toxic’ doctrines do not exist in UCG. e.g. No doctors, racism, ‘child rearing’.
However the ‘core’ doctrines, such as Sabbath and Holy days, Ten Commandments etc remain, as they are taken from the Bible, and not someone’s speculation.
The main change I feel is the environment of the church – e.g. UCG is NOT putting the ministry between the individual and God.
Below I quote a short extract from a recent Council of Elders meeting. I ask could such statements ever be made in the ‘old WCG’?
“Unity and edification are good and necessary. At the same time, freedom of choice, thought, speech and action are God-given gifts that allow each individual to grow as a Christian and child of God.
As such, a Christian has the right to speak to whomever he or she chooses and on whatever topic at the time, in the manner and at the place he or she determines, but in a way that is worthy of our high calling—words seasoned with grace.
Therefore, we must be careful not to attempt to legislate or control other people’s speech and actions, which could violate the rights and privileges given to each individual by God Himself.”
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Armstrong Survivor Reply:
August 9th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Nice words, Quester. Too bad empirical evidence proves they’re not interested in what they mean.
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tony Reply:
August 9th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Hi Questeruk
It is good to hear the old doctrines of doctors and ‘child rearing’ are gone. Progress is good.
When you say racism is gone, I would be very surprised if they aren’t still discriminatory to gays. Just a different form of racism. Just as there are scriptures to support the old racism and homophobia from Herbert’s days, there are also scriptures to support embracing those of other races and homosexuals in the bible. Just comes down to someone’s speculation as is typical with biblical topics.
I suspect they are still discriminatory towards women as well, again, just a different form of racism. Are they allowing women to speak from the pulpit? Sure is disappointing when religion uses biblical verses to support misogynistic points of view when the bible provides plenty of scripture to counter that, ignored by Herbert and I’d be pretty sure ignored by the leaders of UCG. Once again it just comes down to someone’s speculation as is typical with biblical topics.
When you say treatment of the sabbath is based on the bible and not someone’s speculation, I strongly disagree. Many other bible readers interpret the keeping of the sabbath far differently to that of UCG. It is a different person’s speculation, that is all. Once again it just comes down to someone’s speculation as is typical with biblical topics.
The words you quoted: “Therefore, we must be careful not to attempt to legislate or control other people’s speech and actions, which could violate the rights and privileges given to each individual by God Himself.” apply to women’s rights and the rights of homosexuals.
I agree with the statement in reply to you that said “Too bad empirical evidence proves they’re not interested in what they mean.”
Once you get away from the propaganda of UCG, you realize the bar is set a lot higher and the leadership just doesn’t make it!
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Thursday, 6. August 2009
Aggie, I really hope I get to meet you one day.
I love your posts, and identify with them greatly. If you ever come to visit Australia – let me know!!
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AggieAtheist Reply:
September 6th, 2009 at 2:56 am
LOL will do. I’m not the travelling type, though, but I’ll definitely look you up.
Same to you, if you ever head across to the other side of the pond, eh?? 
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