So the administrator of the Herbie Worship Archive has either been threatened by Mont or Junior’s Internet Lawyers, or s/h/it has somehow bought into the whitewashing of the church; “The Bible Story” links (which used to redirect to PDF scans of the actual books that we have all held and read, and had read to us, and that impacted the children of the church so irrevocably) all now link to Mont’s little money-maker on his father’s apocalyptic coat-tails.

Junior is probably ecstatic with this arrangement, as it means the whitewashing of the church is nearly complete. As far as Junior’s concerned, any child of the church who protests about the children’s literature we were indoctrinated with, doesn’t have a leg to stand on, because copies of those documents no longer exist, and here, SEND MONEY TO JOE INSTEAD, if you want proof of how you were brainwashed, when you were a kid.

(Would the administrator of the Herbert W. Armstrong Searchable Archive like to step forward, and assure us that none of the other materials are going to be whitewashed in a similar manner? Or at the very least, reveal if Mont and Junior sicced the legal hell-hounds on you.)

Well, well. Surprise, Junior!

Download these while you can, I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to keep them posted before the long arm of GCI retribution snakes out from Pasadena Glendora, and starts threatening me. Unlike Six-Pack Gerry, I can’t afford to put up a fight.

For a little taste of what The Bible Story contains (and if you don’t want/can’t bring yourself to wade through all six volumes of the horror), here is a A Bible Story from Judges, for public edification and childhood flashbacks. Expect another post soon, with some of the pictures and text that DIDN’T get printed, in Mont’s little money-maker for GCI.

Remember, these books were given to children as soon as they were able to read (or were read to pre-school children, by their parents), beginning in 1982-1983. So these stories were read to, or even read by (early reading was encouraged by the church), children between four and six years of age, right up until ten and eleven. By which point, we were starting to graduate out of YES, and beginning to read the “adult” church literature on our own.

Well. If the kid was “truly converted”, that is.

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. No doubt, brought on by the realization that United Church of God IS “god’s one true church”, at least exactly how I remember the church as being. These thoughts haven’t let up, so I thought I would try and write it out, as an exercise, or more accurately, an exorcism. Again, places, details, and names are deliberately left fuzzy.

---

You stare at the clock in the System Tray, and count down the minutes till its time to clock out. It’s late summer now, and the days are getting shorter, which means the Sabbaths are getting longer, and getting home before sundown is soon going to become an issue with your employer. Again. Even though you always come in an hour earlier, to start making up for the five, then ten, then fifteen, and eventually thirty minutes, earlier that you must leave, on wintry Fridays.

Your virtues of dependability, perfectionism, and non-involvement in “office politics” are often the only things separating you from unemployment. You set these brooding thoughts aside, as you finish entering the rest of the day’s data, and begin to quickly gather your things.

You keep one eye on the horizon, and the other on the clock tower on the Parliament buildings, as you make your way out from downtown. You are leaving early enough to beat the evening commuter rush, but it may not be early enough to get out into the economically-depressed suburb where you live.

Two minutes, you think to yourself as you pull into the parking garage of the dilapidated low-rise for low-income renters on the outskirts of the city. At least you left on time today. Soon, you will not be able to, and soon the yearly discussions will start again.

Your boss means well, you know, he thinks you’re in a cult after all. If you were really in a cult, he would be the one to have at your back. You look around to make sure you are alone in the dark, dank underground, then walk towards the elevator briskly, head held high. God has protected you for every night you have returned home to this place, since you moved in. It would be a sign of weak faith, to doubt that God will continue to protect you now. You mutter a quick prayer of repentance, and stab the button for the elevator, that creaks and shambles its way slowly down the three floors.

You turn the key in the lock of the small bachelor apartment, and intone a silent prayer of gratitude that the key hasn’t stuck again. You walk inside, pick up the mail on the floor, toss your keys on the island that separates the kitchenette from the rest of the living space, and quickly place a frozen dinner in the microwave and turn it on.

You sit down on the Goodwill sofa you recently bought slipcovers at the Bargain Basement for. You sift through the mail quickly. Cable and phone bills are set aside, to be paid on Monday. This month’s Plain Truth and Good News go beside you on the sofa, a couple of birthday cards are discarded in the wastebasket under the end table (Why do they keep sending them, you wonder, it’s not like you even cash their checks anymore.), and two new updated booklets go on top of the issues of the PT and GN. A copy of Prophecy Flash! similarly goes in the garbage. How can Bill Dankenbring still not see the truth that he once did? They had only warned the church from the pulpit last week, that he was at it again. The proper copy of the church’s newspaper, will be available at services tomorrow.

The microwave dings. You empty the contents of the cardboard box onto your one plate, and grab cutlery and a paper towel, as you sit at the small island in your small kitchenette. As you eat, you flip idly through this month’s Plain Truth. The phone rings, and you look at it with annoyance. Forgot to unplug it this morning, you think, as you yank the cord out with a little more force than perhaps you should. Proverbs 16:32 runs through your head, and you close your eyes and take a breath, praying for forgiveness. You return to your seat, and continue to chew on the tasteless ready-made meal, flipping through the pages of the magazine idly.

The Personal from Mr. Tkach, Jr., references John 6:44, and instructs members of God’s Chosen People to let our lives evangelize, instead of going door-to-door like professing Christians. All of humanity, every single person, who has ever lived or died, will get the chance to accept God, when the Kingdom comes. It is not our duty as the specially chosen elect, to call those in the world now, who have a veil over their eyes. God calls people to the church when He is ready, even His own Chosen People cannot call others. There is more about this topic in the article about the new booklet the church is releasing, on another page. You don’t flip to it immediately, wanting to read the rest of the articles first.

Next, there is an article on how you can eat well, even in a depressed economy. You know the current depressed economy is a sign of the end times, but that the Plain Truth can’t go into as much detail as the Church does, because God hasn’t called most of the PT’s readers yet. You also know that wise financial management, along with trust in God’s church, will help you through the depressed economy that the article speaks of. You have not lost your job, and your employer’s company is providing an essential service, so you hope and pray that God will spare you, through your wise financial management, and giving to Him the tithes that are His due. You know that tithing will not be mentioned in the Plain Truth article, but you are gratified to see that the world is being introduced to the idea of God’s food laws, for logical reasons, if not spiritual ones.

Following this is an article about the latest booklet to be released from Headquarters, “What do you mean … Preach the Gospel to all the World?” An excerpt has been included, and you flick through it with interest. Mr. Feazell expands on the topic Mr. Tkach outlined in his Personal, and you hope the librarian has ordered several copies of the booklet in advance, for when you go to services tomorrow.

Then you turn to an article on the war, and how the “Coalition of the Willing” nations could be a precursor to a unified Europe, the ten-headed beast from the Book of Revelation. You make a mental note to start watching the news again. You have gotten out of the habit lately, and that isn’t a good thing. You must always watch and wait, for no one will know when the Kingdom will come back. It will be “like a thief in the night”. The Coalition, and the “wars and the rumours of wars”, means a One World Government can only be just around the corner.

The cover story article is “Australia Condemned!”, speaking of the bushfires there, and how they are a reflection of God’s punishment, for this nation of Israel who has turned away from the one true God, and the corrupt politics of its leaders there.

You flip through the ads for the Bible Correspondence Course being offered at AU, and think fondly of your university days, not so long ago, but they seem like a lifetime away.

After AC had been accredited, and had become Ambassador University, there had been an influx of children who wanted to get their degrees at God’s university, and you had been one of them. It had been a terrifying, wonderful, and exciting time, all rolled up into one, and you had emerged with a Data Entry Processor certificate at the end of it, along with your theological degree. The first diploma let you continue to exist in this world until such time as the Kingdom came, but the second diploma was what would allow you to be a just, and righteous ruler, in the wonderful World Tomorrow. You look at the framed diploma on your dingy wall, and smile.

There is an article about constitutional monarchy, and how that will be the best model, in the World Tomorrow, for rulers in the kingdom to use. Successful constitutional monarchies around the world, both past and present, are profiled to prove how well the system works. Parallels are drawn to God’s government on earth, with the Pastor General the Head of the Church under Jesus Christ.

The seventh part of a ten-part series on “Europe and the History of the Church” follows. You flip through it, looking at the pictures of the idols, and the pagan frescoes. This will be the country that brings about Armageddon, you think, as you finish the last bite of your frozen dinner, and take your reading material to the sofa. You grab your well-thumbed and much-annotated NKJV out of the side table as you do, and settle in for your Friday night personal Bible study.

An article on Internet privacy, and how lack of same, will lead to the rise of the One World Government of the Beast. You know this to be God’s truth, and have never, ever participated in the “social networking sites” that the article says the Beast-power will use, as a means of controlling all mankind. There was a family that was just recently disfellowshipped and marked, in your area, because the rebellious teen was on one of these evil “social networking sites”, staying in contact with the worldly deceived. Be not conformed to this world, you think, because there’s a better one yet, beyond it.

You flip through the rest of the articles, and then through the GN. You are tired tonight, and just want to turn in early, but your Bible sits on your lap. You turn to Romans, and read the passages about being not conformed to this world. You take comfort in these verses, and know that there is a better life waiting for you, in the very near future. Your incredible human potential WILL be realized, you think, as your chin droops to your chest, and you drift off into pleasant dreams of a wonderful World Tomorrow.

You wake in the middle of the night, disoriented, and in the still dark of the twilight hours, you wonder if you’ve missed the Great Trumpet. You wake up, then, and laugh at yourself. You go to bed, making sure the alarm is set, so you will not be late for Sabbath services tomorrow. You close your eyes.

Your alarm wakes you, and you stumble into the bathroom, the kitchen, and then onto the sofa. You blearily fumble around for the remote, then turn on the TV, taking care to keep the volume low enough that it will not disturb the neighbours — nor alarm them, by what you are watching, the way it had alarmed the previous set of tenants who had lived next door to you.

“The Worldwide Church of God presents The World Tomorrow! Each week, this program gives a unique understanding of the meaning behind today’s world news, and the prophecies of the World Tomorrow,” the voice cheerfully greets you. You get up to check the kettle, and stir instant coffee into your chipped mug, when you see the water is almost at a boil. The voice is not the same one you remember from your childhood, but it says all the same things.

“For seventy-five years, the Worldwide Church of God has preached the Gospel of Christ to the world. Join Pastor General Joseph Tkach Jr., as he speaks to the world about the incredible potential of every human being who has ever lived!”

The telecast this week is on the “Incredible Human Potential” book, recently updated and reissued by Mr. Tkach, Jr. You dutifully flip back and forth through your copy of the book, your Bible, and your notebook in which you have written out your own Bible study on the topic.

Soon, the telecast is over, and you must turn off the TV, and get ready for church.

(To be continued.)

So I downloaded the GCE video, just to see whether or not “UCG 1995″ was coming to pass. Here are my impressions of UCG’s May 2nd “Sabbath Services”, blow-by-blow.

• Song leader can’t sing. No surprise there. Not very enthusiastic with the song leading either.
• What the hell are they singing?! The titles are foreign, and the tunes don’t sound familiar.
• Crap. We never sounded that bad, did we? Yeah, yeah we probably did.
• Sounds like every single opening prayer I ever bowed my head through.
• Announcements — ooooh, didja see the look on his face over “9 o’clock PM”?? Heads are gonna roll for that one.
• Special music — What, the choir still can’t sing? Yeah, guess not.
• Filing off in eerie silence. Applause is still not allowed in services. Wonder if they applaud for Kilough the way we used to applaud for Armstrong, and then Tkach?
• Why has the lectern grown end tables?!
• “An entire auditorium full of people from all over the world” — I daresay a smaller number than the FoT used to be.
• Why their obssession with the number of connections? And how many of those were mockers and critics??
• 447 elders
  • Wait, what? 447 ELDERS. For the entire CHURCH?? Yowza. That’s miniscule. That would have been a mid-sized congregation, back in the day. I guess they didn’t get as many walkaways as had been generally assumed, after the changes. Or maybe I haven’t been keeping track.
• ID badge — “Where your tithe dollars went.”
• Last words of Christ — what, again? Have heard that before.
• “The King James and the New King James do us a disservice, really.” Say what?! I can see why the hard-liners scoff at UCG.
• Matt 28:19: “Most translations and commentaries, correcting the King James and New King James….” Is this a new development for UCG? All the verses in the Sermon Archive appear to be using the NKJV.
• HAH! Guess not: UCG prefers the “Modern King James”. Status quo.
• Is he about to break into song?! Go Ye Therefore Into All the World was the only song we sang, Sabbath after Sabbath, post-changes.
• “Making disciples” — only by the elders, is the unspoken implication.
• Yeah I’ll bet they’re desperate for disciples — those tithe dollars must be getting thin on the ground.
• Reminiscing about the ’80s and the Gestapo Visiting Committee. OK, maybe things aren’t changing.
  • Three visits before you’re in the door. Is this still policy with UCG?
• 7 Critical Factors for Victim Recruitment

1. “We don’t set the boundaries for discipling.”

• • An “unusual body” in the Christian world. (No shit, Sherlock.)
    

2. Our fundamental beliefs:

• John 6:44 No Evangelizing — This is status quo. Matt. 13 God calls people, the church doesn’t call people. Same old, same old. The worldly are deceived and do not understand. Status quo. Professing Christianity has it wrong, salvation is deferred to Kingdom Come. Status quo. Gestapo Visiting Committee is still in effect. Boundaries are established by God. None of this has changed from the old church.
• Environment which God brings a disciple to is critically important. Don’t scare away the fresh meat away, we need the tithe slaves, now more than ever.
• God’s Master Plan, Kingdom Come, First Res. Status quo.
• Members evangelize through their behaviour, not professing. Same old same old.
• “Sermons We See”, by Edgar Guest — carefully censored.

3. Communicating is easier than at any time in history. Reaching people is harder than at any time in the last century.

• There are too many splinters for people to choose from.
• Reminiscing about the “good old days”. The Ambassador College Oratorial Style will never, ever, ever change.
• The radio broadcast was the epitome of the church. There are too many choices now.
• IPods are evil, they allow individuals to choose what they want. Menu-driven world.
• Potential victims arrive at the place of being introduced into the church in a menu-driven fashion.
• Having “all the answers” still works at sucking new recruits in. Small wonder: 68% of the tithes are spent on literature!!
• “How was Bob called to the church?”
• Too many TV channels.
• Too many radio stations.
• KYLE-ough? I thought it was KILL-ough.
• 112 different “ministries” on one TV channel, 16 different religions. TBN, 55 different broadcasts and 29 religions. Sunday-keeping broadcasts on general cable 6am – 7pm, 62 different programs, outside of the specialty channels.
• Everything that represents the church goes on one website.
  • The “clatter and the noise” of the others is “unbelievable”. [Still dissing the professing Christians.]
• The point? “Satan is the Prince of the power of the air.” Dissing other religions and ministries. Status quo.
• “The gates of hell will not prevail against God’s church.”

4. “Herbert W. Armstrong’s legacy is a two-edged sword when it comes to discipling.” No shit, Sherlock. Buuuuuuut:

• “Now, don’t get ahead of me on this one…” Want some maple syrup on those waffles, Bob? “…because I doubt you know where I’m going.” Talking down to the sheeple. Status quo.
• “Let me say that again: Herbert W. Armstrong’s legacy is a two-edged sword when it comes to discipling.”
  • SDAs tried to recruit UCG in 1995. “Herbert W. Armstrong did more to make the Sabbath known om this world in the 20th century than any other human being.” Flattery didn’t get them the UCG though.
  • NO ONE PREACHED END TIME PROPHECY AS WE DID.
  • No one identified Easter and Christmas “for what they were”.
    
  • Nobody advocated for honouring the Biblical holy days, [dismissive shrug] unless they were Jewish.
  • No one in the name of religion raised issues such as dietary laws [No mention of the Jews here, oddly enough] and “other issues”.
  • “We were an island. Those particular statements you would hear from the World Tomorrow, you’d hear them debunked, or see them debunked and [unintelligible], but you didn’t hear them.”
• A prophet is never recognized in his own country. (Still talking about Herbie? Yep.)
• “We are no longer a unique voice on many topics. We are STILL a unique package.”
• Messianic Judaism and Pre-millenialists are soaking up Church of God nuttiness, specifically non-aligned community churches. [Is UCG aiming for independent non-denominational congregations then? Better to go after larger groups, than individual victims. Better long-term income strategy.]
  
• Pagan origins of Christian holidays are being recognized by “the world”. [Thus, they are not "making changes", but perhaps pushing the idea that maybe the Kingdom is closer, because more people are starting to sway towards Armstrong-like and Adventist belief systems.]
• “We don’t fully grasp the impact [of Armstrongism] on ALL OF AMERICAN CHRISTIANITY.
  • [So UCG's approach is, "They're starting to fall in line with us! Must be the end times!" ???]
• “I don’t know anyone that has our package, hard to reach people who are just looking for salads or desserts.” [Still dissing those professing Christians.]

5. Those 40 and below are not necessarily in love with the religion of those 40 and over.

• “That puts almost all of us in this room in jeopardy.”
• Younger Americans are increasingly turned off by the religion of their forebears. [How to recruit younger victims.]
• “The unchurched younger American is not so sophisticated as to distinguish us from all the rest.”

6. “To make a disciple, we have to be in love with our own message.”

• When Bob was first thrown into the ranks of the Gestapo. Early 1960s, good times, good times.
• “Don’t try to convert your relatives.” john 6:44, Matt. 13
• Miracles in Mark. [What about the contradictions in Mark, Bob?]
• “There is no better salesman than the person who believes he has found the greatest thing on the face of earth.”
• We are generationally a very mature church. 5 generations deep in Portland.
• Those who were born into the church don’t have the beauty of God’s calling. [Same thing was preached in the '80s.]
• [Bob speaks of FoT 1973 but no mention of "1975 in Prophecy", I note.]
• [Bob's grandfather sounds like a cool open-minded kind of guy. Pity the church sucked his grandparents and the rest of the family, in.]
• “Our history of discipling is one of massive media coverage and passionately motivated followers.”

7. “The tone of our message must match the tone of God’s message.”

• Tone outstrips everything else.
• “Deeply embedded into the culture of the Church of God that an End Time warning has, or will, or has AND will, be given to this world.” [sic]
• First warning message was in Garden of Eden. There have been warning messages ever since. “Consider the tone.”
• “God loves this world. He loves all of this world.” [This world that is deceived by Satan, don't forget.]
• “Greetings friends,” the tone of the voice was convicted, unwavering and loud.
• Bob never sensed the tone of contempt or superiority or time-serving. [Don't know which broadcast Bob was listening to. Does Bob know Herbie ganked "Greetings, Friends," from the Quakers??]
  
• Gestapo reminiscences of a visiting committee to the spiritually widowed.
  • The “joy” of the spiritually dead spouse being called.
• Romans 11:7-8. The world is deceived. [Status quo.]
• Rom. 11: 30-32. [Notice how Bob skipped the verses in Romans favoured by professing Christians?]
• Pre-millenial madness again.
• “We have been branded in the earlier years of our existence as sect, as cult, it has made us very defensive. We can’t afford to live there.” [NO SHIT SHERLOCK.]
• “There is never an enemy of God who cannot one day be a deeply-cherished brother.”
• “All that we understand from Biblical prophecy about certain peoples.” [STATUS QUO BI!]

In conclusion:

• Isaiah 19:23 – 25 – OK that sold me, United IS “gawd’s troo church”. Pity that god isn’t what they think he is.
  • “In that day shall there be one god.”
• Preaching “the universal good news” of the Church of God. [This is every single sermon I ever heard in the 1980s, people.]
• Contemporary English Version Hosea 11:1-8. “Beautiful and powerful illustration of the reality we have to remember.” Bob doesn’t believe church members treat their unconverted children badly, and extends this delusion to the god he has created out of the picture in the Old Testament.
  • God loves you, but doesn’t always like you.
    • Wait, what?!
  • God loves you, but doesn’t always like you. They’re not kidding when they say no one has their package.
  • British-Israelism implied in the verses about Assyria.
    • Equating the church with Israel.
• Ezek. 9:1-6 Back to the KJV.
  • Commentators got it wrong.
  • A vengeful, wrathful god, so you better fall in line like a good little sheep.
  • “Set a mark on the forehead of those who sigh and cry for all the abominations that have been done.” A reference to “the desolation of abomination” of the changes??
• Church members are equated to being Lot in Sodom and Gomorrah.
• Preaching the Gospel means “lives changed”. [But no evangelizing. STATUS FUCKING QUO.]

Guess they don’t applaud for Dicks then.

And yep, you guessed it: They sing Go Ye Therefore Into All the World at the end. Don’t forget the verse about Those who do believe and are baptized/Shall be saved while others are condemned.

Well, after that hour and a half of my life that I am never, ever, ever going to get back, my assessment is thus: There will be no “changes” in United. Rather, what Bob Dick is preaching, is a return to the hardest of the hard-line Armstrongism; he, and the UCG Council of Elders, seeks a revival of the 1950s and ’60s, when the church was starting to grow exponentially. (Driven, you will note, by 1975 in Prophecy, but still.) At several points during the sermon, you could see where he was comparing the present-day UCG to the proto-church in Portland of the mid-1930s.

We know the difference of course.

United Church of God preaching a doctrine of “the changes”? Sadly, no. That part of the parallel universe of Armstrongism, really did make it through the changes of WCG perfectly unscathed — and absolutely unchanged in any way whatsoever.

The YES lessons often talked about “taking a time machine into the past” of the bible stories, so that we might “unlock the vital understanding of prophecy”. Today, on I Survived Armstrongism, I propose a time machine into a past that didn’t get nearly as much play, as did “the major prophecies of the minor prophets.”

The following account is just fuzzy enough on the identities and the locations, that I am hopeful everyone who was once a child of the church, will be able to see themselves, or some part of their childhood, in what follows.

---

A chill wind curls around your legs, and blows your homemade knit scarf into your eyes, as the old used car sputters and protests its way to the curb. Your father drives up to the end of the long line of yellow school buses, where screaming, teasing, fighting children pile onto the buses in groups. You stand alone in front of the small school, until the whining car finally pulls up to the curb, and you get in. The handle on the passenger side door sticks, so you have to jiggle it just so, otherwise it will never come open. But there are no seatbelts in the back, and you get the whole backseat to yourself, for now. You lean against the worn PVC, careful not to get your multiple layers of clothes caught in any of the larger cracks. You settle back against the seat, and adjust the threadbare cap on your head. The yarn is getting looser and looser, and it barely keeps you warm. Your ears haven’t defrosted since late September. Through the warped glass of the windshield, you see the children of this world swarming onto the many buses.

They have a veil over their eyes, you think. You don’t feel so bad anymore, for the way they teased you, today. They just don’t understand God’s plan, and they won’t, until the Kingdom comes back. Soon, soon, the Kingdom will come, as the ministers told you from the pulpit, at the last Feast. It wasn’t very long ago, but it seems like a lifetime and worlds away. You went where it was warm, and sunny, and there were beaches and tourist attractions and thousands and thousands of people, and lots of other kids just like you. Everyone around you was blessed with God’s truth, as you lived the way everyone will be living, when the Kingdom comes. You miss the Feast, and can’t wait till next year, a long time away.

Your father drives faster and faster, but you feel safe, cocooned in the backseat. You are surrounded by your favourite blanket and pillow, and the ubiquitous pile of books. A pile of shrink-wrapped Plain Truth magazines is crammed into the corner of the driver’s-side back door; the wind still howls mercilessly through, whenever your father makes a sharp turn. The pile gets replaced every month with a new one, and when there is no pile of magazines stuffed into the hole in the door, you curl up in your blanket and pillow and shiver, during the winter and fall.

Your pillow is a brown stuffed bullfrog; the stuffed Kermit you had hugged with a stranglehold at K-Mart was taken from you, and replaced with a large, bean-filled bullfrog. The bullfrog is bigger than the Kermit was, and more huggable, anyway. You still take the pillow everywhere you go, except to church and to school. The blanket is a hand-me-down quilt, made by one of the elderly women in the church. It has a worn and faded Table of Nations, executed in beautiful sampler script, barely visible under the grime and dust of its pre-weekly washing. You clutch the blanket, even though you are warm, because you know soon you will be too old to take it to services, and spread it on the floor between the seats. Soon you will have to sit up in your seat and take notes, like the older children and adults. You pick listlessly through the books on the floor, but the winter daylight is fading fast. Your father drives faster; will he make it home in time? You hold your breath, screw up your eyes, and begin to pray. Just in case he doesn’t.

“Two minutes to spare,” your father says. Then he sighs. You hope his watch isn’t slow, like it was last week. You get out, clutching a frozen carob bar you found wedged into the backseat. You will take it inside to thaw out, you think, and hide it in your sock drawer, under your socks. Not that you have to hide it. Your parents know you stash your carob bars, snack-sized bags of trail mix, and in-shell peanuts there. If it was chocolate bars, or candy made from refined white sugar, you would be in trouble. You know that you wouldn’t like that garbage anyway. You toss the carob bar into the drawer under your socks, and quickly change out of your school clothes. Then you head for the small kitchen in your small house, where wonderful smells are beginning to drift out.

Your mother greets you with two homemade oatmeal cookies with carob chips, and a small glass of unpasteurized goat’s milk. You sit at the coffee table in the living room. If it was spring or summer, or even early fall, the black-and-white television would be tuned, with the rotary tuner, to the channel with the early news. There is no TV after dark, on the Sabbath. In the winter, dark comes too early, in the dreariest part of the year. You flip idly through your completed YES lesson as you munch on your snack, trying to make the two cookies last until dinner-time.

You will have to turn the lesson in, tomorrow, and hope that you have gotten everything right. Last Sabbath, one of the children was rebuked for using the wrong colours for Adam and Eve in the garden. Peach, or sometimes it is called flesh, in the big boxes of exotically-named crayons the minister’s kids all have, is the right colour to colour in the skin of the people in the YES lessons. You knew that, and you didn’t even have to be told. The memory work is what other kids your age are afraid of, but you’ve always had a really good memory. You try not to be proud of it. You close your eyes, and recite the verses from Genesis that you have memorized. The memory work on the back of the Bible Lesson is the books of the Old Testament; you know those backwards and forwards. The verses from Genesis are extra work that the deaconess teaching the class has assigned.

Then the LORD God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of Us, to know good and evil. And now, lest he put out his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever”— therefore the LORD God sent him out of the garden of Eden to till the ground from which he was taken. So He drove out the man; and He placed cherubim at the east of the garden of Eden, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to guard the way to the tree of life.

Then your mother calls you to wash your hands for dinner. You sit at the kitchen table with your clean hands folded neatly together as your father says the prayer.

“Heavenly Father, we thank You for having this good and plentiful food to eat, on this Your Sabbath evening. We praise You for Your wisdom and Your goodness, for providing for us, Your chosen people. We ask that You have mercy on the deceived of the world, whose children may not have enough to eat, who are surrounded by famine, and wars and rumours of wars, until such time as they are resurrected into the everlasting peace of Your returned Kingdom. We ask that You bless Your Sabbath day tomorrow, and help us in our weakness and our sin, to keep it holy to You. In the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.” You and your mother echo the last word.

“How was school today?” Your mother asks. You sigh, and screw up your face. You don’t want to think about school on the Sabbath!

“Fine,” you answer, and take a big spoonful of the rich and warm lentil soup.

“What did you do?” Your father asks.

“We had a spelling test. I got a hundred,” you say.

“You did very well,” your father says. “You should always strive to do your very best. It is an honour to God,” he continues.

“Yes, Father,” you reply, with the appropriate tone of respect. You know that already, that was why you got a hundred on the test. Your mother and father lapse into adult conversation then, and you listen to their words, without really understanding them. You finish every drop of your delicious soup, and ask politely to be excused. The carob bar in your sock drawer should be thawed out by now, and there are two bags of trail mix besides.

You go to your room and shut the door. You kick off your slippers, and place them neatly at the end of your bed. You take a cassette tape album down from your bookshelf. Its says Worldwide Church of God Bible Hymnal on the front. You open it, select one of the cassettes at random, and put it into the small tape player sitting on your night-table. You keep the music low, so it’s not blasting, but loud enough for you to sing along quietly in a passable childish soprano.

” – He shall be a tree that grows; planted by the riverside.
Which in season yields its fruit, green its leaves abide.
All he does, prospers well. But the wicked are not so!
They are chaff before the wind, driven to and fro.”

You take the nicely-thawed carob bar out of your sock drawer, and open it up. Munching, you take your small black Bible, with “NKJV” stamped on the front, from its resting place in the drawer of your bedside table. You open it to Genesis 5, and begin to read.

“This is the book of the genealogy of Adam. In the day that God created man, He made him in the likeness of God. He created them male and female, and blessed them and called them Mankind in the day they were created. And Adam lived one hundred and thirty years, and begot a son in his own likeness, after his image, and named him Seth. After he begot Seth, the days of Adam were eight hundred years; and he had sons and daughters. So all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years; and he died.”

You read through the genealogies, your lips moving unconsciously as you sound out the non-English names. Seth, Enosh, Cainan, Mahalalel, Jared, Methuselah, Lamech, Noah, Shem, Ham and Japheth. You know the rest of this story. You read the illustrated version in The Bible Story books, long before you ever got your small black Bible.

“Your first Bible of many, in a long and blessed life, God willing,” your father had said, when your parents had presented it to you with shining eyes on the last Feast of Trumpets. The tape is still playing in the background, and you sing along with it softly, as another of your favourite hymns begins to play.

“How excellent in all the earth, Lord our Lord is Thy name!
Who hast Thy glory far advanced Above the starry frame?
From mouths of babes and infants Lord, Strength by Thee is ordained.
So that Thy enemies be crushed, Thy vengeful foes restrained.”

There is a knock at the door, and you press “Stop” on the small tape player. Your mother comes in with a glass of water and five soda crackers, with organic raw pressed peanut butter on them. Your bedtime snack. Your mother sits with you while you eat, and you tell her all about Genesis 5 and the genealogies. She looks so proud of you, but you try not to feel any pride. A little leaven, leavens the whole lump, you think to yourself. She kisses you on the forehead, and takes the plate and glass with her as she gently closes the door and turns off the light. The mild yellow glow from the lamp on your bedside table throws sharply-contrasting shadows against your plain pastel-coloured walls. You put your Bible away, and throw the carob bar wrapper in the small wastebasket in one corner, and change into your pajamas. Then you go to the bathroom, to brush your teeth and wash your hands and face.

When you return, you take the pillow from the head of your bed, and place it on the floor. You kneel onto it, and wiggle around, so you don’t lose your balance. You close your eyes, fold your hands, and bow your head. Heavenly Father, you think, Thank you for Your precious Sabbath and please let me keep it without sin this week. Thank you for letting me get a hundred on the spelling test today. Thank You for Mummy and Daddy and thank You for all my friends who I will see at church tomorrow. Thank You for Your Church, and for choosing us to be Your people. Please help to heal all the sick people in the Church, and the elderly and babies too. Please let me make it to the Kingdom, and if I don’t, please let me be in the First Resurrection. That’s all I can think to say so thank you for hearing my prayer, Eternal God, in Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

You unclasp your hands, stand up, fluff up your pillow, and get in bed. You pull the covers up over your head, and tuck them around your feet. You remember what your father told you once, about there being one angel on each corner of your bed, each angel like a single, living flame. You drift to sleep with that image in your mind, feeling safe and hopeful.

You wake up in a cold sweat, having dreamt of your bed engulfed in flames. You dry your tears, roll over, and try to get back to sleep. At least you don’t scream in your sleep with the nightmares, the way some kids do. You don’t know if that’s better ot worse. You close your eyes.

Your father is waking you up. It’s still dark. You crawl out of bed, wrap your now-clean blanket around you (your mother managed to get it into the washing machine during the two minutes to spare she had after your father got home), and wander out to the living room. The only light is from the television set.

“Disasters. Sickness. Famine. War. And tragedy.  Life seems to be an unending battle against forces that threaten, hurt, and destroy. In spite of the great progress of the modern age, most of mankind is still trapped in an endless cycle of suffering, destruction, and death. If God loves us, and if He is all-powerful, why doesn’t He do something to help?”

The pictures that accompany the introduction are all-too-familiar, as they have been ripped from the headlines. The plane that crashed in Lockerbie. Chernobyl. Ethiopia. Missile tests.

A burst of light appears over a starfield, the “In Stereo Where Available” logo appearing and disappearing briefly, under the theme music. The globe of the Earth spins in and out of frame quickly, as the telecast logo appears.

“The Worldwide Church of God presents The World Tomorrow! Each week, this program gives a unique understanding of the meaning behind today’s world news, and the prophecies of the World Tomorrow. This week, on the World Tomorrow, Richard Ames.”

Mr. Ames turns towards the camera and speaks.

“Greetings, everyone……”

It is still too early in the morning, and you have not had enough sleep. You try to stay awake, but the harder you try, the worse it is. You barely register any of Mr. Ames’ sermon. You have a sense of seeing the respected evangelist of God’s Work as if in a stop-motion film. You wonder briefly if Satan is toying with your mind, then you wonder nothing else, as you snuggle deeper into your blanket, and curl up on the couch. Sleep overcomes you, and Mr. Ames’ voice carries over into your dreams, as you close your eyes.

You open your eyes. Sunshine is streaming in through the living room window. The TV is silent once again. Your mother has brought you two pieces of toast with real butter, and a glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice, from the organic oranges she bought at the farm market yesterday. You eat your toast and drink your juice, and then it is time to rush around and hurry to get ready for services.

You dress carefully, in your best Sabbath clothes, and look at yourself in the mirror, to make sure that you are your best and happiest Sabbath self.

The backseat of the car has an old linen bedsheet tucked into it, so the cracked rips in the vinyl won’t ruin your Sabbath clothes. You crawl into the back with your church bag, that has The Bible Story, your YES lesson for the week, and your Bible, and a brand-new notebook and pen. Your parents had presented the last two items to you, after you had emerged from your bedroom, shining and ready, to be a godly example. Your blanket is in the backseat with you, but it will not be coming into services today. Father had read 1 Corinthians 13:11 to you. “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” He had said that it was time for you to start taking notes, to sit up in a seat like the other children your age.

You watch the scenery for a while, then turn to the contents of your church bag, once the country gives way to the worldly urban sprawl, signifying you are on the outskirts of the city. After the usual stop for gas, and continuing on to the other end of the city, eventually you are there. Your father parks the car on the other side of the street, one street over from the building, around the back where the other members and the minister and deacons will not see. There are four other cars in similar condition parked there already. These families don’t come quite as far as yours does, so they are all inside already. You and your parents walk ten minutes until you get to the rented hall. You walk up to the doors, where two of the deacons are standing. One of them shakes your father’s hand, your mother’s hand, and finally shakes your hand. The other deacon marks your family name off on the attendance sheet. Once you have made it past the attendance-taker and the greeter, you enter the rented hall.

Flickering tube lights glare down from overhead. The musty-smelling auditorium has pockmarked hardwood, gone soft and spongy with age, that meets crumbling linoleum in the dingy hallway. Look down the hallway, and you see a building you will have a mental map of, for the rest of your natural life: The auditorium just here, but if you keep going down the hallway, on the other side, is the classroom where YES lessons are held. You duck into the room, and hand the deaconess your lesson. It will be marked and returned to you in class, after services. Keep walking down the hallway, and the mother’s room is next. Then the anointing room. The door to the mother’s room is still open, mothers carrying small children walking in with diaper bags and baby things. The door to the anointing room is closed. The bathrooms are just beyond this, with aged vending machines at the very end of the hallway, beneath a high, small window, that barely lets in the wintry daylight.

You return from handing in your YES lesson, and go back to your parents’ side. The three of you walk into the auditorium together. The noise is palpable, a wall of sound that lives and breathes and moves. Over 500 people, talking, walking around, some getting coffee or tea from the refreshments table at the back. The juice and cookies for the children will be handed out after services. At the front of the room, sits the dais with the lectern, that has the Ambassador College seal hung on the front. Two of the deacons are setting up the microphone.

Off to one side, another deacon is opening up the rolling cart that turns into a bookshelf; the church’s portable library. You head there first, but a cursory glance over the childrens’ titles does not show anything new this week. You rejoin your parents, and the three of you begin to walk around the room, clockwise. Your father stops and talks to people he knows, and so does your mother; eventually you find your friends, kids your own age, and the bunch of you troop off for parts unknown, always with the watchful eye of a deaconess somewhere around.

You and your friends wander around in the hallway, and go from the auditorium to the hallway, to the YES classroom, and back again. You hang around the YOU kids for a bit, but what they have to say isn’t interesting to any of you, yet, so the group of you wander off again. Half of you end up petting the service dog of one of the members, and the other half depart for adventures unknown.

You never run, nor raise your voices; you walk sedately, and talk conversationally with each other. Save for the topics of conversation, which are age-appropriate, you are behaving exactly like the adults around you. It is only you and one other friend left now. As the two of you walk out into the hallway, you both spot the deaconess at the same time.

A hard, proud woman, she makes it her business to see that every child in the congregation knows his or her place. Believing fully in the Church’s doctrine that children have the spirit of man in them, a rebellious spirit, that must be broken, she sets out to willfully break the spirit of every child who crosses her path. The two of you lower your eyes and speak respectfully to her. Both of you are sincere, but she still glares at you with narrowed eyes.

A squalling infant catches her attention then, and she storms off, to tell the hapless mother that she needs to take the infant into the washroom and begin spanking. It’s never too early to start, you hear the deaconess say, and you shudder. Your parents tried to take her child-rearing advice, when you first moved here, but fortunately that didn’t last very long.

Tinkling piano music drifts out of the auditorium, and you hear the words you have heard for every Sabbath that you can ever remember.

“Brethren, if you will begin finding your seats, services will begin in five minutes.” The pianist keeps playing softly, a medley of the melodies from the purple hymnal that rests on every other perfectly-placed seat in the auditorium. Three hymns to start with, and one of the preaching elders is the song leader this week. He sings very badly, but it is to the glory of God so that’s OK.

“I know all the little children will want to loudly rejoice to God with this one. Please turn to page 1 in your hymnals, brethren. Blest and Happy is the Man.“

Services have officially begun.

“Blest and happy is the man!
Who  does never walk astray!
Nor with the ungodly men,
Stands in sinner’s way.

All he does, prospers well,
But the wicked are not so!
They are chaff before the wind,
Driven to and fro.

Ne’er in scorner’s chair he sits,
For he places his delight
In God’s law and meditates,
On it day and night.

All he does, prospers well,
But the wicked are not so!
They are chaff before the wind,
Driven to and fro.

He shall be a tree that grows,
Planted by the riverside.
Which in season yields its fruit,
Green its leaves abide.

All he does, prospers well,
But the wicked are not so!
They are chaff before the wind,
Driven to and fro.

Now that you are old enough to sit up in a seat, you are old enough to read your own hymnal. Your parents share one, and you took the one that was laid on the seat you are now standing in front of. The spine on the purple book you are holding is worn thin, and the corners are tattered, but the pages inside are still crisp and clean. You hold the book open with your still-chubby hands grasping the tops of the pages, and the words you knew long before you began to read them, flow easily from your tongue.

“Please turn to page 9 in your hymnals, “Declare His Works to All Nations.”

I will sing, O Most High,
Praises to Thy Name with my whole heart!
And procliam Thy wonders,
I will rejoice and exult in Thee!
My foes fall at Thy sight,
For Thou has maintained my cause and my cry
God will judge, from His throne;
He shall remain forevermore!

God will rule, uprightly;
Judge the world in righteousness.
The oppressed, who seek Him,
He will to them a refuge be.
For the Lord will not forget
Those who put their trust and confidence in him.
To the Lord sing praises,
Declare his works to all nations!

God most High, in Zion dwells.
He will not forget His people.
They declare His great works;
And He will not forget their cry.
Rise, O Lord! Put them all in fear!
All the nations that forget that Thou art God.
Judge them Lord, before Thee;
Let the nations know they are but men.

“Please turn to page 21 in your hymnals, Our God is Good and Upright.”

Our God is good and upright, the way He’ll sinners show.
The meek in judgement He will guide, and make His paths to know.
The whole paths of the Lord are truth and mercy sure
To those who keep his covenant, and testimonies pure.

Now for Thine own name’s sake, O Lord, I Thee entreat,
To pardon mine iniquity, for it is very great.
What man is he that fears the Lord and doth him serve?
Him shall He teach of His own way; the way that he should choose.

His soul shall dwell at ease; and his posterity
Shall flourish still and of the earth inheritors shall be.
With those that fear Him is the secret of the Lord;
The knowledge of his Covenant, He will to them afford!

The preaching elder then calls one of the Spokesman’s Club members up for the opening prayer. Everyone bows their heads.

“Heavenly Father, we thank You for this, Your blessed Sabbath day, and for the spiritual nourishment which we are about to receive as Your chosen people. We pray for the speaker today, that Your words will guide him to lead us in truth and glory to you, O Most High God. We thank You for the beautiful weather You have given us this day, and pray that we find favour in Your heart. Please remember those who cannot be with us today, because of sickness, and heal them speedily, if that be Your will. In gratitude, and with glory, we ask this of You in Your Son’s name, Jesus Christ. Amen.”

“Amen,” everyone answers, and you raise your head and sit down. You have to wriggle to get up in the chair, and your feet hang down. You cross your ankles, the way your parents told you to, so your legs won’t get sore, and to help you resist the temptation to swing your feet. The song leader names one of the other preaching elders to give the sermonette. You have never really paid attention before, but now you grip your pen and stare at your notebook. On the upper right, you put the date, and on the line below that, you put “Sermonette”. You put the preaching elder’s name beside that. You dutifully write down the topic he has announced he will be speaking on, and try not to be proud that you have spelled it correctly.

The sermonette today will be on 1 Corinthians 14: 34-35. You note that down, then juggle your notebook and Bible, and turn to the appropriate verse. ” Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also says. And if they want to learn something, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is shameful for women to speak in church.” The preaching elder is speaking on this in his sermonette because he was approached by a professing Christian at work this week. He tells the congregation how this woman sinned against the true Lord of Hosts, by being boastful and prideful, in the false church that she attended. He speaks about how the Church and your actions spread the Gospel in all the world, not the idol-worship and evangelizing, by the members of the daughter churches of the Great Whore of Babylon.

Then the pastor gets up to read the announcements. You note “Announcements” down in your notebook, and put the pastor’s name beside it. You note down the names that are being added to the prayer list, and realize you will have to start keeping one. Your generic “Please heal all the sick” will no longer be good enough. The Bible Study this week is going to be on a new booklet released from Headquarters, and the pastor urges all heads of the household to attend, so that they may know how to adequately explain the new truth to their wives and children. The news-stand committee will be meeting on Monday evening, at the pastor’s house. The women will have a prayer meeting at the house of one of the deacons on Tuesday. Thursday will be the fruit-selling program, and families with children who are being home-schooled, or who are not of school age yet, are encouraged to come out and raise funds. Brethren are asked to help pray for the rental of an adequate facility for the spring Holy Days; it seems the pastor has not been able to find one yet. The new church calendar is  out for the following year, along with updated wallet cards, and please be sure to take the congregational calendar for the month as well. All the handouts are available at the refreshments table. People are asked to please provide their telephone numbers to the minister’s wife, so that everyone can be added to the prayer telephone tree, should some calamity befall the Church. Especially now, with Mr. Armstrong so sick and in flagging  health. Everyone is admonished to read the latest members’ and coworkers’ lertter, it contains vital information on the state of God’s Church.

Then the pastor calls the song leader up once again.

In light of the news that Basil Wolverton’s son Monte will be releasing a greatest hits collection of his father’s artwork, I thought it prudent to post excerpts from The Bible Story, a six-volume set of illustrated books that recounted Armstrongism’s version of the Old Testament. Before I reprint any of the gory details of TBS, I would like to reprint the letter from Herbert Armstrong that was printed as the Introduction to Vol. I of The Bible Story.

INTRODUCTION

by Herbert W. Armstrong

Never has there been a Bible story book like this. That is not a rash statement, indulging in superlatives. It is the truth. I would like to explain the reason.

For years, in my ministry, I felt an overpowering sense of responsibility, mingled with a feeling of inadequacy, for getting the proper teaching to children. It was a frustrating consciousness, for my time was so completely filled in the ministry to adults.

I picked up many run-of-the-mill type of Bible stories for children. They failed utterly to solve the problem. I could not endorse or press into use any one of them. They seemed to have only one objective — to compete with exciting fiction or violence that youngsters heard on radio, later on television and read in cheap novels or comic books. They consisted of dramatized blood-and-thunder stories of certain biblical incidents. The murder of Abel by his brother, Cain; the cataclysm of the Flood; young David killing the giant Goliath; the seducing of strong-man Samson; Daniel in the lions’ den; all these disconnected stories, shorn of their real meaning, degraded the Bible in plastic young minds to the level of nursery myths.

Bible stories up to now, it would seem, have had no mission but that of providing exciting entertainment. Biblical incidents are taken out of their context, their real connection with the VERY PURPOSE of life ignored.

I knew that all these incidents commonly seized upon as exciting child-fiction material actually have deep meaning, contain vital lessons, are directly connected with the revelation of God’s purpose and the true Gospel. But if the true Gospel of Jesus Christ has been hidden from adults by perversion, deception and injection of pagan superstitions, how could blinded adults write interestingly for children the vital truths they themselves do not comprehend?

[To Be Continued......]

Part 2

Aargh. Ever have one of those “stranger in a strange land” days?

Apparently it is a tradition, amongst the group I currently find myself, to wear a piece of red clothing for Valentine’s Day, or on the day closest to Valentine’s day that we find ourselves assembled together. Which just happened to be yesterday.

Now, see, I’ve always been respectful of the (silly, but will still get you mocked in some circles) superstition that one must never wear red on Friday the 13th. Needless to say, I never told anyone that was why I wasn’t wearing red yesterday, but still. It was one of those “Ah crap, I still don’t fit in very well, do I?!” moments. Those suck, by the way.

Hi, I’m AggieAtheist, and I’m a child of the church: Try my damnedest to fit in, but in the end I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.

If you haven’t already purchased John Morgan’s book Flying Free on Gavin’s recommendation, let me second Gavin’s positive review here, with a relevant quote from the introduction:

Flying Free is dedicated to:
—————————
A large group called “the Church kids” – past and present. People who were or are in this group know who they are. I am one, as are my stepsons Dean and Richard. To you, I pray that Flying Free will give you just a little bit more freedom than what you had when you first picked it up. If that is the case, I will consider the book a success.”

I’m working my way through it now. Ten bucks for a 360-page download? You really can’t go wrong.

Recognize anybody we know?

I’m really not sure what to say about this video. It’s either so comic it’s tragic, or so tragic it’s comic. Proof that, for at least a subset of ministers in the Worldwide Church of God, the changes were simply a matter of toeing the party line and staying onboard for some hope of a pension, when they reach retirement age.

Which is more than can be said for the tens of thousands of ex-members who still have no retirement savings of their own, because it all went to the church; in first tithe, “tithe of the tithe” of 2nd tithe, cash offerings on every one of the “seven annual sabbaths”, and then the “special offerings” at any other time, just because.

Looks like Neil’s going to get his slice of the pie.

Continuing on with our series of excerpts from Youth magazine, here is one of the last Armstrong articles that was printed in the magazine, shortly before he died. This is from the February 1986 issue of Youth ‘86. All emphasis, except for editorial comments bolded and in brackets, is intrinsic to the text.

Your
Human Potential
Is Incredibly
GREATER
Than You Have
Realized

By Herbert W. Armstrong.

Don’t sell yourself short! The possibilities that lie ahead for you are transcendently greater than you have ever come to know!

When I was an adolescent of 16, as I have said and written many times, AMBITION was aroused in me. It was on my first summer vacation job away from home. I had never thought very seriously before of making something of myself in the world.

I had devoted my time, as most boys do, to “having fun.” I had played baseball, football and spun tops. At age 12 I became interested in wrestling. Those were the days when wrestling was wrestling — not a deceptive comedy show like professional wrestling later became. Those were the days when Frank Gotch was world champion — a real champion [And isn't he from the fine Israelitish stock that we all so admired?] — the days of Farmer Burns and Zsbysco [sic --- misspelling is intrinsic to original text] and other superstrong men. The older brother of a neighbor boy I played with had set up a real wrestling mat, and we boys were learning all about half nelsons, arm locks and toe-holds.

Then at 16 I had a summer vacation job in another town. My employer complimented me on my work, and this caused me to try hard. He began telling me I had abilities to make a real success of my life — I could really accomplish big things, if I applied myself.

Ambition is the DESIRE to accomplish, PLUS the will to apply oneself energetically with determination. I didn’t then know what I would do — in what field I would become such a success — but I began to believe in myself, and began to apply myself to studies at the public library, entirely aside from the high school studies.

At age 18, I put myself through a course of self-analysis, by means of a book I found in the public library, Choosing a Vocation. It helped me avoid “fitting the square peg in the round hole.” It set forth the requirements for success in the professions, businesses, occupations. This self-survey, coupled with a survey of occupations, led me into the advertising profession.

I applied myself vigorously. As I grew into the 20s, I became quite successful. With an office in Chicago’s Loop from age 23 to 30, I was finally earning an income that, on today’s dollar value would amount to more than $150,000 a year. [Three times that amount, in today's dollar value.]

Then, at age 34, I was challenged most seriously, and was led into an intensive, almost night-and-day, in-depth study of evolution and the Bible. My marriage depended on it, and I did not believe in divorce. [This was printed, the astute reader will note, in 1986 -- some years after Armstrong's divorce from Ramona Martin.]

This in-depth research OPENED MY EYES to an entirely NEW HORIZON!

Up until then I had been imbued 1) with self-confidence and 2) with a horizon limited to mental or physical secular fields.

In other words, I interpreted “human potential” in terms of the physical and the material, as I suppose most everybody does today.

Commonly, people will think of human potential as the possibility of making such a success in life as a Thomas A. Edison, an Einstein, a Paderewski, an Arthur Rubinstein — or, historically, a Napoleon or an Alexander the Great.

But now a WHOLE NEW HORIZON loomed transcendently before my mind’s eye — something immeasurably greater and more wonderful than any physical, material or mechanical accomplishment.

And now, too, an entirely NEW kind of CONFIDENCE [game] began to grip me. I began to exchange SELF-confidence for the confidence that is FAITH in the living Jesus Christ. Self-confidence began to disappear. FAITH, which is RELIANCE on God, began to grow.

And a potentiality that is possible for humans now loomed up greater than anything I had conceived of before.

I had begun to see, in the Bible, something TREMENDOUS that seems hidden from human eyes in this world. [Read Lifton.] I began to realize that the Gospel message that GOD sent by Jesus Christ involves a vast comprehension of God’s PURPOSE! I began to discover the missing dimension in knowledge [right around the same time as he was beginning to discover the missing dimension in sex] — knowledge undiscovered by science, untaught in higher education, glossed over entirely by religion. [Read Lifton.]

Actually, I began to realize that the biblical revelation, and the message Jesus proclaimed, is in fact such STUPENDOUS knowledge that what is being disseminated as higher education is dwarfed into insignificance!

But that monumental message, which was Christ’s Gospel — His glorious GOOD News — was soon suppressed, in the very first century!

It is concerned with the Creator’s all-encompassing, overwhelming, overall purpose, involving not only man, but the entire vast and limitless UNIVERSE, to be made over by man, when man comes into his projected GLORY! This is no imaginary play on words — it is REAL!

It means that the great majestic GOD is, literally, reproducing Himself in MAN; that mortal MAN has the transcendent potential of being born into the very GOD FAMILY as an immortal SPIRIT being in superlative GLORY and with creative power, under God and under Christ, to literally make over and renew the faces of planets  throughout the vastness of endless SPACE!

[Unpack that last parapgraph and really sit with it, in the full knowledge that we 100% believed it as literally true, totally and absolutely. And people wonder why I say we lived in a parallel universe.]

It is true that hardly one in a thousand humans ever realizes, even partly, his purely human potential as a human. [Human potential is human, yo.]

The average human never utilizes even 5 percent of his mental powers. On the purely human level, man has the potential — if an American — of becoming President of the United States. Or of becoming a Thomas A. Edison or an Einstein.

But that potential is as nothing compared to the spiritual and transcendent potential of being born into the very GOD FAMILY — and inheriting the very capabilities of GOD!

Actually most of these exciting, inspiring, mind-expanding TRUTHS  are never even remotely considered in the religious teachings of this world! [Read Lifton.]

My book, The Incredible Human Potential, has appeared in bookstores all over the English-speaking world. It’s story too comprehensive to even begin to condense in this article. [Here comes the pitch.]

Actually I feel with very deep conviction that I myself really did not author this book [And the wind-up.] — that the living Jesus Christ is its real author. [And !crack! It's a home run!] I was merely like a stenographer writing it down. [Lifton, Lifton, Lifton.] And with that understanding, I feel I may say that this is one of the most important — and most tremendously revealing — books since the Bible! Although it is sold in bookstores, interested readers may send for a free copy now, by mail.

I wonder, does anyone have any stats on where/when/how well IHP sold “in bookstores”?

Junior’s trying to put lipstick on the pig, people.

“Grace Communion International — we used to be a cult, but we’re really really really really not anymore. All the money still goes directly into MY pocket, but we’re not a cult anymore! We don’t demand tithes, but we write articles in our newsletter about how it’s “Christ-like” (that’s the replacement buzzword for “godly”) to give 20% or more of your income anyway).”

Like Gavin says, change the name all you like, Junior, but unless and until you start showing some financial accountability for the economic black hole your members are pissing their money into over there in Glendora, you’re still not going to be a real Christian religious system. No matter how much you claim you are.

Fuck. Why can’t the CID go after Junior and Weazell and Kelly the snake?? Compared to the billions they’re probably squandering (and have been for well over a decade), Witless Weinland really is small potatoes.